Soul-searching... again

I think I do this every few years. I'm searching. Things that have been happening, have left me with questions about what I believe. I'm questioning everything again. I'm so confused. I can find well-written, expertly researched articles with scriptural evidence to support almost any claim !??? Eek! What DO I belive? I recently read about universalism. They believe that everyone is going to heaven and that there is no such thing as a literal hell. This one has really floored me. Check it out for yourself! I just don't have the time to read everything there is to read but I'm just a little shaken.

My salvation. I think I wrote my testimony on here once. I should read it again. Here's the gist of it as I remember it.

As a child, I attended an evangelical summer bible camp. I was 2 months from my 8th birthday. My counsellor explained that Jesus had died for my sins and that if I said I was sorry for my sins and asked Him to come live in my heart then He would and I would get to go to heaven. Seemed like a good deal, so I did it! I buried my head into my brown sleeping bag, prayed and asked Jesus if He would live in my heart! After that I continued to attend church with my parents and thought of myself as a Christian. It was shortly after this experience that a dark family secret was revealed and my family life was turned upside down. In my teens, influenced by peer pressure I started to participate in worldly pleasures. I think I enjoyed the attention I got from "being bad". I spent more and more time with my school chums, less and less time with my church friends. I still attended church, worked at the bible camp in the summers and felt so close to the Lord during those summers! I prayed and read my bible everyday! Journalled all my devotions and really wanted to serve the Lord. But, I felt like I lived a double life at the time because upon returning to my school friends I returned to my sinful life. When I was 16 I decided that I should get baptized, a class was starting up and I remember thinking that maybe if I made a public declaration of my commitment to God that I would have an easier time resisting temptation. I was wrong. After high school, I moved to the big city and dove headlong into a world of sinful pleasures. I smoked, drank, did drugs and was promiscuous. I felt that I was unlovable because of my wickedness and did not believe that God could love or forgive me for any of the awful things I was doing. I did some things that are so wicked that I rarely speak of them. I felt like scum.

After 5 years of living in the depts of the world and having nothing left, I do mean nothing... spiritually, physically, monetarily, I was a bag of raw emotions. I begged my parents if I could move home. They relunctantly agreed. I met my hubby 3 months later. We became friends very quickly and I thought that maybe he would be a good influence on me because he went to a very conservative church. I was wrong... I was a BAD influence :( We got married 2 years later. Pregnant with our first baby I felt that we needed to find a church. It was the right thing to do. We attended several churches and in the end Aaron was very insistent that we attend his church. I did not want to go. I tried to make the best of things and after going there off and on for 2 years I felt like I needed to be there. I questioned my salvation experience as a child because of the sinful life I led for 5 years as an adult. I actually liked the idea that I was lost when I did all those awful things. Finally, after many times of ignoring the conviction of the Holy Spirit working on me to commit my life to God... I went forward, fell on my knees at the alter and with tears pouring off my face I begged God to save me!

I did not feel an instant relief... I needed time to process. I was invited into the office to talk privately with the Pastor's son. He did not realize what I had just asked God. He slapped his bible open and shut a couple times, announced, "you know what the bible says, you know what you need to do!" I turned to Aaron sitting by my said and asked him "what do you want me to do" he started to cry and said "I want you to get saved" I prayed and told my Lord that I felt tired and I just want him to take the lead in my life. Afterwards I was met with lots of people hugging me and congratulating me. It felt awkward. I wanted to be baptized because I felt that it was the logical next step. Joining the church was part of that step. I loved hearing the preaching and participating in the singing at church whether it was congregational or singing specials, the music and the bible really touched my heart. I slowly over time grew to be comfortable in my church.

In that last year, things have been changing.

This post is getting long. I'll continue tomorrow... or whenever I pull this thingy out again!

To be a baptist, or not to be....

I don't believe...

1. wearing pants is sinful
2. drinking in moderation is prohibited
3. church discipline is necessary or beneficial
4. that God expects me to beat my children with a stick
5. music other than hymns is of the devil

I do believe...
1. I shouldn't dress to "show off"
2. people shouldn't drink to excess
3. we should show forgiveness and let people leave quietly if that is their desire.
4. God wants me to use my position of authority to teach my children
5. music is a form of entertainment, as long as its not DIShonoring God.

I've been studying out some of these topics and I'm obvisouly feeling very conflicted about my current choice of denomination. I will be continuing to pray and seek God's guidance. Ultimately, the church our family attends is my husband's decision.

Conflict

For the record, this "conflict" I speak of was NOT with any member of my family.

Fight or Flight. I'm a little of both I suppose. I try to fight for what I believe in and when I'm left to compromise my values I feel an overwhelming urge to just walk away. My hubby says that I "just want my own way" and I'm sure he's right to some extend. But, I feel like in most things I can easily compromise. I'm fairly easy going and like to think of myself as a people pleaser for the most part but some things matter to me enough to put my foot down and be unmoved.

I may seem ridiculous I suppose. I'm apparantly an odd person for having this conviction. I think that it is only natural to feel this way and a person has to teach themselves to feel otherwise. I have forced myself to see it their way time and time again and finally I just feel like I'm sick of having my beliefs discredited and disrespected without biblical backing. If someone could just show me that I'm actually "wrong" and that the other option is "right" I would happily go along with it... or would I? It seems I just keep finding reasons that prove I'm just a square peg trying to wriggle my way into a round hole?

God knows my heart. He knows I'm true. The things that He's shown me in my life, the things that have happened. Is the place I'm at just a stepping stone in my walk with You Lord??

Lacey Rose

Lacey Rose ~ October 5, 2011 ~ 7:25 am ~ 8 lbs 1 oz ~ solo unassisted homebirth

People always say that every labour and birth is different and I always agreed. There were definite variations between my other 3 births but Lacey’s birth was weird….but still oh so very beautiful and incredibly empowering and faith affirming! It wasn’t really that bad of a birth but I get my head wrapped around ideas and then I can’t think my way out! A wonderful trusted friend and midwife recommended a herbal tincture called “gentle birth” to me. It was a concoction of herbs meant to be taken in the last 5 weeks of pregnancy to help produce and quick and easy labour with less pain. Of course, I tried to tell myself repeatedly that this may not happen but my mind is a powerfully treacherous place! I took the tincture and as promised had an increased amount of Braxton hicks style contractions throughout the 5 weeks leading up to my due date. That date came and went leaving my confidence about my due date (set by me, in accordance to my charting dates) shaken as I went on to be 8 days late. This day I took some more drastic measures and employed some labour promoting activities. The next day I began to see some “show” and got incredibly hopeful. Still more “show” coming on Tuesday (10 days past my EDD) but no contractions yet. Discouraged, I decided to distract myself. I took my 3 children (aged 5.5yrs, 4yrs, and 22 months) to town. My confidence as a mother was restored and I had a fun day as we went to Wal-Mart, Dollarama, McDonald’s and Superstore! All without any major meltdowns, fighting or temper tantrums! (from kids OR mom!) At home while cooking supper I noticed that those cramps I’d been having were a little more intense and coming every 5 mins! This was around 4pm Tuesday. My hubby came home and we ate supper, then went to go vote in our local elections. By 7pm, they were definitely contractions and I was super excited!!! Aaron put the kids to bed around 8 while I jumped into our nice deep jetted bathtub. I stayed there for a couple hours with the pains progressing nicely in intensity and strength coping beautifully mostly by just breathing and enjoying the water. I THOUGHT this was going to go quickly! I was praying and thanking God for His blessings and for helping me cope so well.

Fast forward a few more hours and you will see a much less confident woman with a lot less thankfulness and a lot more pleading in her prayers! I was feeling very exhausted and starting to question myself incredibly! It was around 2am and I was wondering what the hold up was. As far as I could figure, I’d been in active labour for at least 7 hrs and my other kids had all been born after about 8 hrs of active labour! This meant that the tincture was useless and what was worse, it didn’t seem that her arrival was imminent! I had asked Aaron to check me (again, I hated being checked by my midwives, but I really don’t find my husband’s checking uncomfortable in any way) and he felt that I was making progress but couldn’t really judge in centimetres because the bag of water was bulging through my cervix. I begged him to break it! Thinking to other people’s birth stories where this would “speed things along”. Knowing full well that I normally wouldn’t be comfortable intervening in the birth process at all, my sweetie talked me out of my foolish thought. Then I began begging to go to the hospital for an epidural so that I could sleep and heck, while we’re there lets just have a c-section and get her out!!! Aaron sweetly suggested that maybe I was in transition? I laughed at him for his ridiculous thought as it did not feel as though this child was anywhere near exiting my body! Then, my next paranoia hit as I felt for her head… what if she’s transverse?? That’s it! She’s sideways lying across my womb and will NEVER come out! Once again, give Aaron a trophy for somehow convincing me to stay home… yet again. What would I have done without him?

3 am now and suddenly it was like everything just slowed down. I could’ve cried. I thought, my labour has STALLED! Now what do I do? I prayed and prayed through all of this begging God to help me and to deliver this baby. Expressing my great inability to continue on with this labour. My wise and humble husband suggested, “honey, why don’t you try to sleep between the contractions?” So I tried, although I wouldn‘t call it sleep exactly I did stay in bed and rest between contractions. This was when my sweetie fell asleep next to me while rubbing my back. 6am, and I HAD to get up! The contractions were finally full force again and barely a break between them! I felt like squatting. I came to my living room couch to use for support and realized that my body was bearing down a bit. I kept squatting by my couch until my legs were shaking and my body was weak and tingling. It was around 7am, I decided I needed the support of my toilet to continue on with this! As soon as I got on there, I decided to bear down with one of these contractions and my water broke!!! I felt for her head, and sure enough it was just a few inches away! I prayed to God to help me breath between the contractions so as not to injure my abs like I had done with lil Wesley’s birth. But I pushed with all my might during each and every contraction!
Finally, after about half an hour of pushing I delivered my sweet baby girl! She started to make noise right away and was a beautiful shade of pink almost immediately! My bathtub was still warm from my last soak and I jumped in to rinse us both off, yelling for Aaron to wake up (he’s a pretty sound sleeper to have not heard me growling through all that pushing!) Finally, Lacey let out a really solid cry rather than her cute little squawks and he came running in! Excitedly saying “oh good, she’s finally here!” I asked him the time, 7:25am. He quickly sprang into action passing me a receiving blanket and getting me a towel to help me out of the tub. Danielle woke up and started following me around excitedly holding her new sister’s hand! I plunked down on a couple chux pads on the couch and tried to nurse Lacey, her cord was a little short to get her into a comfortable position so I just kept her skin to skin and sent Danielle to find a baby hat. After delivering the placenta, answering all of Jack’s questions about blood and umbilical cords, I cut the cord, dressed her and finally was able to nurse her about 8:30am. Wow, what a labour and what a beautiful girl God gave me!

I must say that I don’t really think this labour would have been that terribly difficult if not for having had my mind thinking “quick and easy labour and delivery” I imagine that herbal tinctures to aid labour may work well for other women but I think the psychological damage of such a promise was absolutely hideous for me! Over all, I was able to continually recommit myself to trusting God throughout this process and delivered a healthy baby girl! Thanks be to God for His many blessings!

"Uriah Archibald"

During the pregnancies of my previous three children I was not offered to know the gender of the infant during my standard diagnostic ultrasounds. Understandably we picked out names for either gender during each pregnancy. We never "re-used" a name. If their genders were reversed; Danielle would have been Vincent; Jack would have been Lilian; Wesley would have been Erica.

We went for a 3D ultrasound for fun this time! I had already been feeling very much like this was going to be a girl and had prayed and asked God to give us another little girl if that was His will. In the same prayer I was asking to get pregnant quickly if we were meant to have a 4th child. I discovered the pregnancy later that very month so felt confident that God was giving me the desires of my heart! The ultrasound technician confirmed my suspicians saying that she felt quite confident that we had a little girl on the way :-D

At that point we started picking names. The idea of "re-using" past name choices came up and I just felt as though those names had been used already. I also kidded with a friend that each of our kids has their "alter-ego"! She laughed at my reasoning and joked as to whether or not we would pick a boy name for this baby so that she could have an "alter-ego" as well! Relaying the story to my husband later we laughed and he said "sure, Archibald" In throws of laughter I exclaimed "Uriah!" And so it is that we have named this baby (not yet born) Lacey, whose alter-ego is Uriah Archilbald!!

But, every now and again it really hits me that despite this ultrasound and my intuition, this COULD be a boy. Today was one of those days. Over the past few days I've been buzzing like a bee washing and sorting clothes, moving around furniture and boxes. All to prepare for this new baby. I purchased a matching crib sheet, fleece blanket and receiving blankets (pink with purple and blue flowers and butterflies), some wall stickers (flowers and butterflies) I've acquired a used infant carseat (pink), a bumbo baby chair thing (pink) I have 5 drawers of a dressor, 2 diaper boxes and a 54 gal rubbermaid bin all FULL of baby girl clothes! I don't have ANY baby boy clothes. A few of the sleepers and undershirts etc are neutral... but still on the girlie side of neutral.

So, Uriah Archibald, because of the absolute inconveniance that you would cause I do hope that you remain the alter-ego of our lil Lacey!

The best laid plans of MOTHERS often go awry!

So, I'm not entirely certain how our household has adopted this 'schedule' but I can't seem to force us out of it.

You see, when I first became a mother to Danielle some 5ish years ago I knew nothing of baby routines or feeding schedules or sleep training. I knew I had a little baby who needed my love as well as to be fed, burped, changed and bathed. Of course, because I'd not done any homework on motherhood I relied on those in my life to educate me further. At first, I faced a confusing time when she would cluster feed in the evenings, my team of educators advised me of my baby's obvious need for more food than my body could provide and I began feeding my 8 week old infant packaged baby cereal. I've since learned that cluster feeding is a normal activity for infants and is for the purpose of increasing my body's supply of milk! I've gone on to feed both my boys nothing but my milk for the first 6 months of their lives. But now I've gone and turned this into a breastfeeding lesson.

Back to the topic. I was also taught that babies need to sleep on a schedule and so I began waking up my daughter at 8 am and putting her to bed at 8pm. She didn't mind at all. So I put both the boys on this same basic schedule and of course became a lot less rigid with the implimentation of this routine as the years went on. Somehow, without my permission, this schedule has changed. I can't place the exact reason but our children now go to bed around 10pm (lets put a schocked face emoticon here!!! :-0 and then do not rise in the morning until between 9 and 10 am!!!! If you don't quite understand why this is alarming to me, the mother, the keeper of this home, please take note that I am not a night owl. Despite my antics as a teenager and young adult... I much prefer to go to bed early and rise up early. This is the schedule that society functions ideally on, not to mention that all playdates amongst my crowd are scheduled around 10am (meaning that I would have to have all three children fed, dressed and out the door no later than 9:30am to arrive in a timely manner, due to the location of our residence) Plus Sunday school and soccer both begin at 10am, so we're already looking at 2-3 morning out of the week that would require my children and I to be out of bed at an early hour. Yet, there is Thursday evening serive, which facilitates the late to bed, late to rise lifestyle.

The problem I face is, the best way to fix this problem is to wake up 3 small children early in the morning.... which of course means that I would have to be awake and parenting these small children early in the morning. I must say, I have really been enjoying lazily sauntering out of my bedroom at 8:30 or 9 am and having a cup of tea BY MYSELF :) Not to mention my husband who is self-employed much prefers the late to late life. So, my jealousy often burns into fury when I see our provider still relaxing in our bed at 10am while I`ve been up for hours with OUR small chidren. But really I haven`t a leg to stand on there because he often works later into the evening (as this is his preference) and I do not have to work outside the home at all. Regardless, I want this to change....

Soooo tomorrow... I will wake everyone up early, including myself and see if I can`t somehow FIX this ridiculous problem.

Some of my thoughts on birth.

As I'm sure you know, I'm expecting our 4th child in late Sept - early Oct. I am planning to have my second unassisted homebirth or freebirth. During my last pregnancy I was forced to choose an unassisted homebirth or a mw assisted hospital birth. For a lot of reasons, one main reason was that God gave me peace about the decision...I chose to birth at home... it was faith-affirming, empowering and soo educational! I learned so much in the last few months of my pregnancy about birth and about mid-wives vs med-wives (thats another post!) I found out that UC is perfect for me!

I tend to be a ppl pleaser in life and during my first two labors and births I was always looking to my med-wife for instruction and approval. Because of the fear of birth that society had taught me I couldn`t trust that my body could give birth. I was afraid of every complication and especially afraid of the pain. I took a real grit my teeth and bear it approach to pain management and somehow birthed two beautiful children. Afterward I gave all the credit to my midwives, ``without them I couldn`t have done it`` With Wesley`s birth I was forced to seek my guidance from my body and my God. I was suddenly so much more confident and comfortable! Not afraid or tense, I was relaxed and calm through the process. I had researched enough to know that complications are rare and had prayed and sought God enough to know that He would be with me, no matter what outcome.

I now view birth as a private and intimate event and can't imagine sharing the moment with anyone other than my husband!

Christianity is often seen as the reason why women experience pain in childbirth. I beleive that the KJV of the bible is the true inspired Word of God and that all other interpretations are merely words of men. The KJV does not curse Eve with simply "pain" in child-bearing as other translations do. God said "... I will greatly multiply thy SORROW and they conception; in SORROW thou shalt bring forth children" which to me was encouraging to see that it was not simply "pain" read on and you'll see that God gave the same "curse" of SORROW to Adam. Immediately, I was relieved. Clearly, God did not bestow upon all men excruciating pain while they work and eat! The word SORROW translates to "worrisomeness, labor, pain, sorrow, toil" We've got a hard job to do, but I believe that just as men can find satisfying work in this weary world, so women can find satisfying births! I've even read about women who have been able to abolish all their fears and hangups about birth and actually found the event pleasurable!?! I would definitely say that the moment my babies were born I felt joy, love, relief, release and yes PLEASURE! The other thing that I loved about my God was that He gave the job of child-bearing directly to WOMEN! not men. I believe that its my job to deliver my baby, not a midwife or a doctor or even my husband.

Its my work, and I take full responsibility for it!