My Testimony

So it seems that I am without a voice on the wonderful world wide web! I want a blog too! I am not a writer. I am just a mother, wife and a few other things but these are the two that stand out in my mind at this moment. I don't know if I'll keep up with this but I think I'll share a little about what's going on in my life lately.

Here is my testimony. (this could take a while and I'm sure I'll miss a lot but I'll give the summery version here today)

I grew up in a Christian home (or at least thats what I'll call it for lack of better terms) My mom, brother and I went to church every Sunday. Dad came sometimes. When I was almost 8 I went to a summer camp and was told about Jesus and how he died for our sins and that if I believed in Him, asked him to forgive my sins and come live in my heart I would go to heaven. So I did. During my childhood I always believed that I was a Christian and that I would go to heaven. When I was 9 a nasty family secret was revealed and my dad started coming to church and got baptised. In junior high and high school I struggled with acceptance and felt like I lived a double life. I had my school friends and my church friends. I tried to incorporate my two lives but inevitably I started smoking and drinking with my school friends. I kept up an impressive rouse and still got baptised when I was almost 16. Deep down I thought this step of faith would give me the strength to stand up to my school friends and leave my rebellious ways behind. I was wrong. After graduation I moved to the big city and started doing drugs. Quite a few awful things happened to me and every once in a while I would clean up my act and think I had control of things again. Eventually the drug problem became much more severe and I regularly questioned whether or not God was real and whether or not I could still be a Christian. I tried to kill myself and while in the hospital my mom came to visit. I questioned her (quite rudely and angrily) about the nasty family secret (which really was a something that happened TO me) and finally came to terms with a few things. I always blamed this for causing my drug problem. Strangely, my drug problem got much much worse and eventually in July of 2003 I called my parents and begged to come home. I can only imagine that it was by the grace of God that my parents agreed to let their 23 year old drug addicted daughter come live with them. I met Aaron in Sept of 2003 and we started "dating" in October. We were an on again, off again couple for most of the winter and then in April of 2004 we had "the accident". Aaron and I grew much closer after this. We moved in together but still struggled with commitment for a little longer before finally getting engaged in February of 2005. We were married Aug. 27, 2005 and our daughter was born March 11, 2006. Our son was born October 25, 2007. Our marriage has been a pretty happy one. I love my family! Since we've been married I've been struggling with spirituality. I suppose some might say that God has been working in my heart. About a month ago I realized that I never became a Christian that day when I was 7. I did not know what was being asked of me. I did not fully comprehend the depth of right and wrong. I only knew what my parents said were right and wrong. I also was incapable of understanding that I needed to put God in control of my life. At this time in my life my parents were in charge of my life so how could I let God take control. So suddenly I realized that all this time I was trying to do things on my own instead of praying and seeking God's will for my life. No wonder life was so hard! Once I realized that I was not "saved" I had to decide that I needed to be. This was surprisingly hard. Lots of little things kept standing in my way. Every time I felt convicted I would shut it off and turn away from God. Finally, Sunday March 16th I was listening to some powerful preaching and this pastor just kept quoting scripture and it seemed like every time I thought I might be able to regain my composure and shut my ears he would quote another verse that just kept driving into my heart! I couldn't control my tears and during the invitation I gripped Aaron's hand and begged him to not make me do this alone. He asked me what I needed from him and I just cried so he asked me if I wanted to go up and pray and I nodded yes. We went up to that alter and I just fell down on my face and sobbed. I was gripping Aaron's hand tightly as he prayed and asked for God's guidance in our lives and when he finished praying I sobbed out the words "Lord I need you to save me" and then was crying so hard that Aaron suggested we go and talk with the Pastor. So we did and during that meeting I finished my prayer and told God how I needed Him to be in control of my life because I just couldn't do it and was so tired of trying so hard. I let go and felt such freedom from my worry. Its still a day to day struggle just to let go but I don't feel so worried and hopeless anymore. I'm starting to read my bible more and praying often. Aaron has taken charge as the leader of our home and it feels wonderful to follow his lead. Things are definately changing. Little by little.