Got a little courage.

Baking a cake with my 2 year old Danielle! What fun!

So, I did it! Last night I ended up telling one of my friends about my recent commitment to God and it went really well! I think she really understood what I was saying and doesn't think I'm crazy and most importantly still wants to be my friend! LOL, well she might think I'm crazy but I think that has little to do with me getting saved! Maybe now I can slowly get up the nerve to tell other people! Church tonight and tomorrow I am heading over to another friends' house to babysit her kids in the morning so that should be a little tiring.

Trust

Isn't this the cutest little baby in the whole world!!! Just thought I'd introduce you all to Jack. I love my kids! I am so excited to teach them and watch them grow. Trying very hard to make good decisions for them that will lead them to make good decisions in their lives! But mostly I'm just enjoying loving them up with cuddles and laughter!!!

Now onto the deep and thoughtful stuff. I have a real problem with trust. I imagine that psychiatrists would say that its because I grew up distrustful of my parents bla bla bla... but what do I do now? I need to trust God and most recently I need to be able to trust my husband to make good decisions for our family. I'm just praying that God will help me with this.

Another thought is that I've experienced this wonderful change in my life and yet I haven't really told anyone??! What's wrong with me?! The only people I've really told have been the people who I knew would be really happy for me. Any of my other friends/family members I'm just talking to as usual. Its not that I'm not happy its just that I don't want them to think that things are weird between us and stop talking to me.

Overwhelmed.... a little confused.

So I decided that I wanted to make sure that I had biblical backing for every decision I make. I don't want to just babble and repeat things that other people have told me but want to be able to say that I am doing things because God led me to make these decisions. I am a little overwhelmed when I sit down with the bible. I don't know where to look to find answers and I don't really know what people mean when they say "God spoke to my heart" or statements like these. I start to question whether or not I really 'got saved'. Aaron says that he thinks God speaks to us at church. That kinda makes sense because that is the only place that I really feel close to God... but then that leads me to wonder is it God or is it people??? There is just so much to learn and I feel so anxious that someone is going to ask me questions and I won't know the answers!!!! Even after being raised in church I feel like I know nothing. I want to be able to show people in the bible how I got saved so that no one can say that it wasn't God.

I'm also wondering about modesty issues and wanting to find answers that didn't come from someone's opinions or writings about how clothing styles have changed over the years. I want to find in God's word what He teaches us about modesty. It seems to me that everyone can derive their own personal standard of modesty and claim it to be Godly or biblical. People have quoted Deut. 22:5 "The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God." The problem I have with people using this verse to say that women should wear skirts is that in biblical times when this verse was written men and women all wore robes... so then they are drawing a conclusion based on a particular period in society when women wore skirts. But there are plenty of problems with this analogy. My main problem with this is that every era pushed the envelope in terms of dressing immodestly and so even though I choose to wear pants, the pants I wear are considered modest by today's standards... but the skirts that some of these women wear would have been considered immodest by the standards of those living in the 1800's - so I think we should base our modesty on God's standards not ANY of the world's standards. But I can't find anything in the bible that specifies how to judge modesty.... so confused. Someone help?

Congratulations?

Noun

Singular congratulation

Plural congratulations

congratulation (plural congratulations)

1. The act of congratulating.

Verb

Infinitive to congratulate

Third person singular congratulates

Simple past congratulated

Past participle congratulated

Present participle congratulating

to congratulate (third-person singular simple present congratulates, present participle congratulating, simple past and past participle congratulated)

1. to express one’s sympathetic pleasure or joy to the person(s) it is felt for

Well I guess it is the right word! I went to church last night and people kept congratulating me! To me it was very strange and for once I was not comfortable with the attention coming my way. I tried hard to remember what people did at my parents' church when someone became and Christian and I couldn't think of any adults 'getting saved'. Not that they don't, I'm sure people must... but I can't think of any.

I'm starting to wonder about baptism.. admittedly its partly for the selfish reason that I want to do special numbers in church and have to be a member to do this! LOL, so I'm just praying that God will show me when and the real reasons to get baptised. Not that I don't already know the 'reasons' but I want to seek the answers for myself and read them in my bible and really know that this is what God wants before I 'jump in' hehe ... get it? Jump in? LOL I'm silly!

Last night at church our pastor preached about some of God's promises. One of these that really made me think was of his promise to provide our needs. I remember thinking how I don't really trust God to provide my needs. I'm always worrying about the future and its comforting and hard all at once to stop worrying about it and just trust God. I think trusting God is going to be one of my biggest struggles.

My Testimony

So it seems that I am without a voice on the wonderful world wide web! I want a blog too! I am not a writer. I am just a mother, wife and a few other things but these are the two that stand out in my mind at this moment. I don't know if I'll keep up with this but I think I'll share a little about what's going on in my life lately.

Here is my testimony. (this could take a while and I'm sure I'll miss a lot but I'll give the summery version here today)

I grew up in a Christian home (or at least thats what I'll call it for lack of better terms) My mom, brother and I went to church every Sunday. Dad came sometimes. When I was almost 8 I went to a summer camp and was told about Jesus and how he died for our sins and that if I believed in Him, asked him to forgive my sins and come live in my heart I would go to heaven. So I did. During my childhood I always believed that I was a Christian and that I would go to heaven. When I was 9 a nasty family secret was revealed and my dad started coming to church and got baptised. In junior high and high school I struggled with acceptance and felt like I lived a double life. I had my school friends and my church friends. I tried to incorporate my two lives but inevitably I started smoking and drinking with my school friends. I kept up an impressive rouse and still got baptised when I was almost 16. Deep down I thought this step of faith would give me the strength to stand up to my school friends and leave my rebellious ways behind. I was wrong. After graduation I moved to the big city and started doing drugs. Quite a few awful things happened to me and every once in a while I would clean up my act and think I had control of things again. Eventually the drug problem became much more severe and I regularly questioned whether or not God was real and whether or not I could still be a Christian. I tried to kill myself and while in the hospital my mom came to visit. I questioned her (quite rudely and angrily) about the nasty family secret (which really was a something that happened TO me) and finally came to terms with a few things. I always blamed this for causing my drug problem. Strangely, my drug problem got much much worse and eventually in July of 2003 I called my parents and begged to come home. I can only imagine that it was by the grace of God that my parents agreed to let their 23 year old drug addicted daughter come live with them. I met Aaron in Sept of 2003 and we started "dating" in October. We were an on again, off again couple for most of the winter and then in April of 2004 we had "the accident". Aaron and I grew much closer after this. We moved in together but still struggled with commitment for a little longer before finally getting engaged in February of 2005. We were married Aug. 27, 2005 and our daughter was born March 11, 2006. Our son was born October 25, 2007. Our marriage has been a pretty happy one. I love my family! Since we've been married I've been struggling with spirituality. I suppose some might say that God has been working in my heart. About a month ago I realized that I never became a Christian that day when I was 7. I did not know what was being asked of me. I did not fully comprehend the depth of right and wrong. I only knew what my parents said were right and wrong. I also was incapable of understanding that I needed to put God in control of my life. At this time in my life my parents were in charge of my life so how could I let God take control. So suddenly I realized that all this time I was trying to do things on my own instead of praying and seeking God's will for my life. No wonder life was so hard! Once I realized that I was not "saved" I had to decide that I needed to be. This was surprisingly hard. Lots of little things kept standing in my way. Every time I felt convicted I would shut it off and turn away from God. Finally, Sunday March 16th I was listening to some powerful preaching and this pastor just kept quoting scripture and it seemed like every time I thought I might be able to regain my composure and shut my ears he would quote another verse that just kept driving into my heart! I couldn't control my tears and during the invitation I gripped Aaron's hand and begged him to not make me do this alone. He asked me what I needed from him and I just cried so he asked me if I wanted to go up and pray and I nodded yes. We went up to that alter and I just fell down on my face and sobbed. I was gripping Aaron's hand tightly as he prayed and asked for God's guidance in our lives and when he finished praying I sobbed out the words "Lord I need you to save me" and then was crying so hard that Aaron suggested we go and talk with the Pastor. So we did and during that meeting I finished my prayer and told God how I needed Him to be in control of my life because I just couldn't do it and was so tired of trying so hard. I let go and felt such freedom from my worry. Its still a day to day struggle just to let go but I don't feel so worried and hopeless anymore. I'm starting to read my bible more and praying often. Aaron has taken charge as the leader of our home and it feels wonderful to follow his lead. Things are definately changing. Little by little.